How many times have you heard these words…
“Just let the kids work it out.”
Or, “Don’t interfere- let the kids be kids.” 
Recently, I was at a birthday party where my little 5 year old (Avery) was getting bullied by a “friend” of hers. This “friend” had informed my daughter (in my presence) that they were no longer friends, because she had found new friends when she started Kindergarten. Avery took a deep breath to help hold back the tears, and said, “It’s OK, I would like your new friends, too.” I was so proud of her!
But, things got worse. The little girl yelled, “I SAID go away!!” I looked at this child and said, “I’m so happy that you have new friends, but remember that Avery has been your friend for years, too! You guys can all have a great time together!” To this, the little girl literally flipped her hair in my face, and walked away. *cringe*
Was that the end of things? Nope. Mere minutes later, after I had tried to convince my daughter to play with different people at the party, I witnessed this same little girl shoving Avery away from the swing set. I decided to speak to her. I said, “You don’t have to play with Avery- I can see that you don’t want to. But it is not OK to hurt people.” The little girl just looked at me, and then went about her business. I then decided that the right thing to do was to call the parents, and make them aware of the conversation I just had with their daughter.
So as not to place blame on either child, I said, “What has happened between our daughters? They aren’t getting along today.” Within 3 minutes, the little girl’s father had arrived at the party to pick his child up. But instead of reprimanding her, he glared at me and yelled, “REALLY, ANNA? Do you always have to be a mother hen?? What is wrong with letting children work things out on their own??”
We used to be good friends with this family. So, for quite a while, this incident really bothered me. No one has ever called to apologize for their entire family’s bad behavior. Their children act snotty when they pass mine in the neighborhood. The mother and father have significantly altered the details of what happened at the party (even though there were 20 adults in attendance to witness the events). It is all a bit disturbing.
But then, when I had the chance to really sit down and consider the details, I went from hurt, sad and confused… to confident and thankful.
Because, you know what? I am a good mom!!
Don’t read that wrong… I’m not a PERFECT mom; far from it. But I am protecting some of God’s most precious gifts!
Psalm 127:3 See, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
I am the guardian of 4 little pieces of evidence of His perfect love!!
It is no small job. It is a big calling! It is not easy. And I will not fall into today’s easy trap of hands-off parenting.
I will not keep their heads buried in the sand, however. I will use every opportunity to help them learn.
Deuteronomy 11:19 ESV You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
From this particular incident, my kids have learned that not every child their age is the perfect friend for them. They have learned that only God’s love is perfect. They have learned that man can easily disappoint, but God is there forever. And sometimes the learning moments He gives us just aren’t fun. But we can always learn from them!
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
My sweet 5 year old daughter has learned to be strong. She has learned the politics and biases in this world WAY too early. But, instead of being angry at the child, or the parents, I am grateful to God. He has allowed me to walk my kids through a life lesson, using His guidance. My children know where to lean when times get tough. And they know that their friends are not their pillars of strength. God is.
Psalms 18:2 The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.
It is never fun to be the victim of name calling, even when you are 30-something. But if the definition of “mother hen” is:
Mother Hen: (adj.) a mom who protects God’s precious gifts from the ugliness of human nature…
Then I’ll be that mom.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I really enjoyed your post and nodded yes to many of your points. I’m a big believer of letting kids work things out but there is a point when a parent should step in and I’m glad you did. It’s not easy to know when but when one child is hurting another – that’s when! Good for you for sticking to your guns. One thing I teach our daughter is to remember forgiveness as well. Everyone makes mistakes but if they return and are making “good choices” again and apologize, forgive them and move on. Thank you for the inspiration today
Good for you!! Great post, Anna. And at least you have the knowledge that you chose the right thing, even if others did not. Way to go.
Great article. What a rude response. How sad for the other little girl that she isn’t learning people skills.
Letting kids work things out on their own assumes that these kids have appropriate behavior modeled at home. Obviously this child ( and many I have met) have nit been taught these lessons. I am that mom too. I see no reason my child should be the learning opportunity for someone else’s child. As I would not expect my children to treat anyone else that way.
I’m not a huge fan of ‘let the kids work it out’ ~ I follow the command to ‘train my children’ pretty literally. With four little ones, I am often exhausted by the amount of work it entails….but they are still young (all under age 7) and as such their ability to negotiate or problem-solve is pretty limited.
I always try to remember that these behaviours are pretty innocent, as adults must guide children to do the right thing. Unfortunately, not all adults make strong character a priority….in which case they and their children multiply the amount of work we must do to teach the *right* behaviour. Be thankful that you were there to guide your little one firsthand.
Signing up right along side ya!
One time not too long ago, a friend of mine’s 5 year old was hurting my 3 year old. My older boys told me about it and I thought it must have been innocent. Then one day I saw it with my own eyes. I was mortified! I told the mom and she pulled her child close and said he was not hurting him on purpose. She defended him and refused to believe that her child as causing harm. It really hurt our friendship. I felt bad too for not being more protective of my son. I found out that he had been kicking him in the stomach, hitting him and more. I think we would all do well to not only protect our kids, but realize that our kids are not perfect either.
I completely agree Anna! I believe we must teach our children how to work things out. At 5 years old they just are not equipped to know how to handle difficult situations. Great Post!
I love the way you handled the situation and the lesson that you ultimately took away from it. You and your children all learned something valuable from what happened.
I also appreciated your observation about the “hands-off” parenting that the world is so fond of today. I’ve been accused of “sheltering” my children. I prefer to think of it as guiding them through the lessons in life until they are old enough and mature enough to make their own way.
Great post!
Thank you for your post; I absolutely needed the encouragement! This is such a hard lesson any age and in any environment, but during the teen years – in a place where it would seem we should all be on the same page … well, it’s super frustrating! But I’m thanking God, as well, for the opportunities He’s opening for both my daughter and I learn to deal with “the ugliness of human nature”!
I wanted to say ‘way to go MOM’ .. Thank you for a well written article. You chose the higher way, and I am sure that you continue to pray for this family. We cannot choose the consequences of our actions but we can choose our actions.
Your children are so blessed to have parents who understand how important their role is and how valuable and precious they are as their children.
So will I! Great post!
Shame on that father for not “getting involved”. Its the parent’s responsibility for training their child. That girl’s behavior is shameful and if she were mine, she might just be getting a swift whipping on her hiney!
After reading the father’s response, my immediate thought was, “So that’s where the daughter learned it.” How sad!
Very good, thought provoking article. I wanna be a mother hen, too!
I think it goes beyond being a mother hen. I think it’s also making the child accountable for his/her actions. If my child acted that way, I’d want someone to confront her and/or tell me so I could discuss it with her or discipline her. I think that other parent was simply saying that his daughter’s snotty behavior wasn’t a big deal. WRONG. Big deal. Character formation is our responsibility.
I remember having to explain to my 4th son when the “parents” of his “friend” always forgot to drop him off for playdates and birthday parties – that it is the parents responsiblility to take care of things like that – including how they play. You certainly do not want to talk badly about other parents and other children, but sometimes you do have to explain that some people just do not raise their children like we raise ours. I think a good line for that little girl (and this line is near and dear to my heart) is, “A heart is big enough to love as many people as we want” – so it has room for new and old friends.
Teaching children (and even teens) to choose friends who lift them up when they are down seems to be one of the top ten lessons in parenting. You were fortunate that you were able to witness what happened first hand so you have do doubts about the story.
My heart just cried out for your daughter – and you – because I’ve been there and it is not a comfortable place to be. There are some battles you never “win” (i.e. make end the right way) but they are battles you have to step in to. I think you handled it beautifully!
Amen, Anna! You did the right thing. I stand up for my children and NO ONE has the right to hit or push. Great post!
I absolutely agree to being present, available and involved! Most young children don’t have the maturity or skills to negotiate the difficulties in a troubled relationship. (Not even that dad, it seems?)
I was involved with my daughter’s squabble with her best friend. Both the moms recognised the value of this friendship and we assisted our daughter’s in their reconcilliation. I’m glad we did … nearly 7 years later and both moms and daughters remain good friends and we all matured through the experience.
Oh this is such a hard one. All I can say is you are better for finding out now about the family so you can move on and gain a life lesson for your daughter.
It is heartwrenching when you witness your precious baby just wanting to be loved by another and to have her cut down like that. I felt for you and I feel for your daughter. happy that you see that it was a compliment and not an insult.
And I am with you if a mother hen is what I am then I am happy for that